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Family, Inspiration, Me

New Years Resolutions

January 8, 2017
  1. Be healthier – look great, feel great – health is my number 1 priority this year.
  2. Write on my blog or create a video –  minimum 1 per week
  3. Be more charitable – do some volunteering, raise money for childrens cancer or Bears Cottage.
  4. Get outdoors – more activities that don’t involve youtube for the kids.
  5. Quality time with Dave – schedule at least a once a month big date night
  6. Get cooking – stop boring the family with my easy favourites
  7. Try different looks – invest in good clothes and make up. Learn how to style how I am right now…not how I want to be.
  8. Be more organised – get rid of things that no longer serve a purpose, save for things and plan ahead.
  9. Thou shall not talk shit –  health, work, relationships or the weather, nope, just stop it.
  10. Do something indulgent for myself, by myself – at least once a month.  Pedicures, manicures – whatever it is, it can have a profound impact on how you feel mentally and physically.
  11. Read more books – career, personal development, cooking, art.

It’s taken me ages…..

May 3, 2015

It’s been a busy couple of months – I’ve swung back into work at full pelt and then decided it was the right decision to continue my education and do a course on the weekends. I’m feeling overwhelmed – I have a young family, I’m still dealing with grief, I’m trying to be so many things to so many people that I’m finding it tough.

I only just managed to get my roots done for my hair – the last time I got it done was just before I started work in January – I’ve had a broken tooth for the past 4 weeks and I’m tired…no that’s an understatement – I’m exhausted – but I push through it all to be the person I need to be for everyone else.

I’ve lost my identity in a way – I feel like I’m struggling to stay afloat – I want a life with balance – I want everyone around me to be happy – but how can I do that when I’m not happy myself… I can’t even find enough time to even take my dog for a walk. I’m racked with guilt and frustration.

I miss last year and the time I had to just focus on healing and bonding with my baby. It wasn’t enough time..I need more to get myself back…but we have so many life goals and aspirations that a single wage just won’t cut it.

This Wednesday will mark one year since mum passed away – I’m dreading it. I’ve already started to remember those horrid last couple of weeks watching my beautiful mum slowly dissolve into the obsess. Stoking her face when she took her last breath and the shock as I sat there looking at my lifeless mum on the hospital bed. This was not how it was meant to happen. I needed more time with her. My kids needed. more. time.

They say ‘keeping busy keeps your mind off grief’ – but it doesn’t – it throws you into a state of confusion where everything feels overwhelming – all the jobs you have to do aren’t done with the vigour and focus – they are half done and the rest of the effort is spent trying hard not to think of beautiful memories and feeling sad for yourself that I missed out on so many more.

Everyone expects you to just ‘get-over-it’ and move on – but its hard…harder than I ever imagined…and I’ve lost a large piece of my self confidence and identity along with mum.

I feel sorry for everyone who is relying on me to make them feel happy. My husband thinks I don’t love him anymore – I don’t feel attractive and the last thing I want to do is be intimate…and then compounded by the fact I’m working on assignments and work projects until I go to bed means he’s the last one on my priorities.

I need someone to care for me…scoop me up and take me away and tell me that ‘everything is going to be alright’ – I want someone else to take over my life while I try to sort this all out. I wish there was a clone of me that could run auto-pilot while I just had the time to ‘fix’ myself.

But life just moves so darn quickly – week after week – I spend the whole week working so hard that by the time Sunday comes along when I do get to relax its time to get ready for Monday – packing bags, school lunches, getting ready for work and catching the bus into the work.

Don’t get me wrong – there are beautiful days along the way – I savour the Wednesday’s I have off with Nicola – but they are rushed to swimming and school runs and fitting in the things I can’t do for the rest of the week…and I know my Thursday’s are limited – when Dad comes over to help me look after Nicola while I work from home….I know soon work will get too much and I’ll have to go into the office…and they will be lost.

There’s another 6 weeks left of my course – there’s another 7 weeks left of this project I’m working on at work – there’s a light.

I need a hug.


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